Tales From the Reikai Black Black Files
by Hikari Nanase
Summary: PG13 for suggestive narraration (no explicit content); If you've seen all of Yu Yu Hakusho, you might just enjoy this ^_^. Homosexuality and episode fun involved.
1. Green Grapes and Lemonade

"Green Grapes and Lemonade: an episode from the Black Files" 7/14/02 By: Hikari Site: http://www.geocities.com/hikari_nanase/ E-mail: hikari1612@netzero.net Notes: Frozen green grapes and lemonade are the two things that turn me on like a light bulb. However, this is not a lemon, thank you. Nor is it a grand epic of fire demon torture and Youko tears. It is a parody. Yes, a parody. As I have as much a sense of humor as Hiei, however, watch out for my malice and monotone. I may just put you to sleep.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
There are only three things in the world that could make Hiei out of character. 1.) Fanfiction writers such as myself, 2.) alcohol, 3.) sugar- it doesn't matter from where. The story I'm about to tell you is a confidential story- hidden away in the deepest, darkest shelves of the Reikai archives (not to mention the studios that aired and are airing this series). Now, while I would normally bribe people to pay me for this story, a good dose of green grapes and lemonade has elicited the more generous part of my nature (95% arrogance included, of course).  
  
If you recall the ends of the Sensui and Makai arc, I'm sure you'll remember Kuwabara giving Hiei- for lack of better terminology- a piggy back ride when he passed out. Has anyone ever wondered Hiei's reaction when he woke up? That was an interesting feat, naturally. However, what about the incident with the tear gem in the Makai? Kurama jokingly grabs the hirosukei tossed at him, and cries passionately: 'Oh, Hiei! I will treasure both this and you forever!' Now, I'm DEFINITLY sure all YYH fans took note of this momentous episode. The question is why? And how are these two occurrences in any way connected?  
  
The truth is, when Hiei woke-up, he was not only very embarrassed of his unlikely 'position', but also quite violated. He blurted out, rather unceremoniously, that the only person who could carry him like THAT was Kurama. Again, he found himself in a very unlikely situation, blushed, tried to make a run for it, but instead tripped into a bowl of.  
  
Yes, frozen green grapes soaking in lemonade.  
  
Hiei, surprisingly enough, has secret feminine hormones when it comes to sour aphrodisiacs. After all, he IS part Koorime, and the fire demon's astonishingly elegant waistline is evidence of this. But that's beside the point.  
  
Having been soused in such orgasmic food (and I guarantee you, it is unbelievably orgasmic), Hiei inadvertently swallowed the odd concoction and went drunk.  
  
'Drunk?' You ask? How can you get drunk with lemonade? As it turns out, the snack, set precariously on Kurama's bedroom floor, was slightly spiked by Shizuru, who felt a small party was entitled to our group of favorite bishounen. They walked into the room, Hiei woke up on Kuwabara's back, and one thing led to another.  
  
Hiei stood from that bowl, undoubtedly soaked and sticky. He 'hicced' a few times, in spite of his valiant efforts to keep his intoxication down, and stumbled about the room. Almost out of instinct, he fell into Kurama's arms- mumbling incoherently about stupid foxes, melting candles, beds, and bathtubs.  
  
I don't think it's necessary to elaborate on that. Just use your vivid, and over-yaoied imaginations. I'm sure you'll enjoy the concept.  
  
So, you now must be wondering what this has to do with Hiei's precious hirosukei? In addition, you must be wondering how someone like Hiei- a demon with the resistance of paved asphalt- managed to get so smashed after one small dip into the potent bowl of nature's candy.  
  
Allow me to demonstrate some simple chemistry (which is ironic considering I dropped the subject last year). The alcohol mixed with lemonade called for the osmosis of chemicals from inside the green grapes. We all know what white wine is made of, don't we? Now, imagine this: high sugar concentration levels from the lemonade and grapes with the addition of alcohol and carbons not only from the liquor, but also from the luscious oval-shaped fruits. What we've got here is an uva colada strong enough to put Kuwabara and Yusuke out for days. Well, maybe months for Kuwabara.  
  
But it's impossible to ferment natural alcohol from a fresh bulk of fruit, yes? Wrong. Hiei is a fire demon. The high temperature from his face, sorry to say, was a perfect component to make the press and flash process of winemaking quick and complete. Press? Well, his face DID meet with that bowl rather violently- extracting the wonderful juices from earth's viagra.  
  
Let us go back to our original equation: high sugar concentration levels from the lemonade and grapes with the addition of alcohol and carbons not only from the liquor, but also from the luscious oval-shaped fruits. By breaking down this formula into it's most basic form we find this:  
  
1 bowl of sugar + 1 bowl of alcohol + 1 bowl of sexually arousing chemicals= a very horny, out of character, seductive, never-before-seen (to people other than Kurama, at least) Hiei.  
  
Add in the fanfic writer who is disclosing this top secret information (that is me), and you have the fire demon of every fanfic reader, slasher, shounen ai-er, parody-er, Hiei otaku-er, and Youko's dreams. And boy! Did Kurama's dreams come true that night! Amidst the drunken romance between most fans' favorite couple, Hiei utters something interesting before falling asleep. "The day I show just- hic- how much I really - hic- love you and want to -hic- lay you down, spread you and.- hic- steal you forever, is the day I -hic- I give away my most -hic- prized possession. Should I -hic, hic- ever find it."  
  
When we consider Hiei's possessions- being literally NONE- we begin to wonder what on earth this something could be. Our answers are questioned (oops, sorry, it's the grapes). I mean our questions are answered several episodes later- more specifically, episode 111- in a shady forest, away from any spies.  
  
A drunk Hiei, is still Hiei. Hiei has the mind and memory of a steel trap. He did not forget his overly romantic, liquor induced persona, and quietly kept the recollection in the far backs of his mind. Kurama, being the, quote and unquote, 'host' of Hiei's predicament never forgot the occasion either. (And who would! Considering what a great love maker Hiei is when he doesn't have a lucid brain!)  
  
Unfortunately for Hiei, having tried to forget his historic mortification (I forgot to mention he started stripping the poor- er. lucky redhead in front of everyone) and succeeded, slipped in his actions by throwing his hirosukei at an unsuspecting fox demon. Kurama caught it, remembered Hiei's words that wonderful night that really should be relived, and joked: 'Oh, Hiei! I will treasure both this and you forever!'  
  
Our pitiable Hiei sweat drops, and blushes. The audience doesn't know Hiei blushed, however, because the damn recording company decided to capture this incident from behind Hiei's back. Those idiots.  
  
So now you know the full story behind Kurama and the hirosukei (Makai arc, ep. 111), and Hiei's reaction after waking up perched rather childishly on Kazu's back (final ep. of Sensui arc).  
  
I have many more Black Stories to tell, but those are for another day. This is Hikari Nanase (surname last), writer, analysist, and archiver of the Reikai Confidential Files. Until next time, and remember, green grapes and lemonade. It never fails. 


	2. The YYH Budget Problem

"The Yu Yu Hakusho Budget Problem"

8/15/02

By: Hikari Nanase

E-mail: hikari1612@netzero.net

Notes: if you own the DVD's, you MIGHT want to check on the episodes I'm referring to- it may make you laugh. 

Warning: LOTS of spoilers.

~*~*~*~

                It has been noted repeatedly that the animation quality of YYH is an equivalent to a roller coaster ride in the stock market. It has its highs, and it has its lows- it's low being really, really- RIDUCULOUSLY bad. But I digress, aside from animation problems, the cast of YYH have encountered many production dilemmas as well.

                Let us have a look at casting. In the first tournament with the infamous Togouro Brothers, the anime industry in Japan was running pretty gosh darn low on demon extras. After all, at the time Yu Yu Hakusho was made, series such as Inu-Yasha, Dragon Ball Z, Vampire Princess Miyu, and whatnot were all reaching their peaks. So, what happens? Well, looking closely at the demon extras, we find there to be… 

                Pokemon.

                You don't believe me? HA! As Kurama and Hiei are the most highly paid actors on set, the casting budget naturally went down (after all, they still had to take into consideration the special conditioners and shampoos needed to preserve Youko Kurama's silky hair luster). Blown away by the sudden drop of demon extra availability, the directors were aghast as to what to do. Unfortunately, by fates sadistic choice of direction, the directors overheard a conversation being held between Yusuke and Hiei in the actors lounge. It went a little something like this:

Yusuke: Jeez, I can't believe they're actually considering cardboard cutouts for the audience crowd.

Hiei: Well, what do you expect? They keep me dressed in the same goddamn outfit all the time. They couldn't even afford to buy me a new scarf.

Yusuke: This is pathetic. Too bad we can't get any funds from fanfiction writers and doujinshi-artists.

Hiei: I know [sips ultra-diluted coffee; in fact, it's not even coffee. It's water with brown food coloring]. With our luck, we might as well just hire those stupid Pokemons. I heard lots of them are now on the street begging for pennies.

                And that's when the production committee's light bulb flickered on (notice I used the word flicker, not spark). 

                The next thing we know, watching the Black Martial Artist Tournament, we find there to be a giant Pidgeoto sitting and squawking amidst the crowd. To view this yourself, simply watch the Togouro arc and wait until the scene surveys the audience. If you look closely to the lower left-hand corner, you'll find him- and damn, it's pretty scary to look at anyway.

                Oh wait, there's more.

                The Pokemon industry, very disgruntled with the sudden loss of their employees, retaliated by stealing a lot of the key choreography from Yu Yu Hakusho. Remember Jesse and James jumping in and out of scenes? Where do you THINK they came up with that idea? Recalling one of the fights in the tournament, we remember that when Hiei used his Kokuryhua for the first time, he quite literally sizzled his arm off. In one episode, Kurama meets up with him alone in the forest where they suddenly get attacked by two lizard demons plus a giant robot that was borrowed from one of the Dragon Ball Z movies- if I remember correctly, the one in which Goku had to fight a disgusting brain that used the robot for mobility (truth be told, this machine was also a Gundam Wing reject- apparently, Quatre isn't too fond of black). Anyway, none of us can forget the graceful, not mention _enticing_, moves of this notorious demon duo. When they defeat the robot and return to the tournament, the robot falls from the air and lands in the stadium. Following the beat-up robot is Hiei and Kurama, again, falling through the air and landing on top of the machine in perfect choreography. As they land, they stand side by side with their arms crossed and faces grim.

                Does this sound familiar? Allow me to demonstrate- you need good imaginations for this one:

                [Scene: Hiei falls from the air with a blue glowing background]

                Hiei: saving the world from devastation!

                [Kurama falls from the air with a red glowing background]

Kurama: uniting the peoples within our nation!

[Hiei lands on the robot and crosses his arms]

                Hiei: to protect the world from the evils of truth and love!

[Kurama lands on the robot and crosses his arms]

                Kurama: to aim for space and the stars above! (Can't remember how it goes, you get the idea…)

                Hiei: Hiei!

                Kurama: Kurama!

                Together: Team Love Love Demon kicking ass at the speed light!

                Er… right.

                To make matters more interesting, the budget problems have existed ever since the series' creation. The first major mission, against the four sacred beasts, is a perfect example. Come now, don't the names: Suzaku, Seiryuu, Byako, and Genbu ring a certain Fushigi Yugi bell? Well, guess what? All four of these demons auditioned for their respective gods, and needless to say, they all lucked out.  Flipping through mountains of newspapers and digging through the Classifieds, they found an ad:

**Yu Yu Hakusho Casting Auditions: **four actors needed- three preferably demonic and ugly, one bishounen. **Prerequisites**: No professional experience required. If you can grunt, growl, and cackle- you're in. **Pay:** Dunno, we have plenty of donuts though. Help yourself.

                At first it sounded like one big joke- not being paid for fighting stunts and whatnot- but Byako's growling stomach was getting the best of him. Old melting donuts were really very tempting at the time, especially when you've been living on a box of stale Corn Pops cereal for five days straight. The others had to agree, they were hungry and at this point they were desperate. Living in a super crammed studio apartment was no fun either, so…

                They got the roles, did their job, and returned to the obscurities of show biz. Rumor has it that Suzaku became a hairdresser specializing in highlights, Seiryuu opened a Chinese restaurant, Byako got a role as He-Man's trusty tiger, and Genbu sold himself to be used as a giant boulder in an Indiana Jones movie.

                More? Of course there's more! If you've seen up to the Makai arc, this one will be a kicker especially if you're a Star Wars and Hiei fan. When Hiei died, and Mukuro rehabilitated him in a certain contraption, we find that the contraption she used is- in actuality- the old busted rehabilitation machine from _The Empire Strikes Back_. It was particularly difficult to have Hiei fully undress as his contract specifically stated that he would lose nothing more than his shirt in every battle. Thankfully, many Japanese fans heard about this complication and willingly (not to mention happily) began a "Hiei Naked Scene" collection. They came up a few hundred yen short, and so Hiei compromised by having himself covered in that really really REALLY _special_ area with some wires. In the end, everyone was happy. Mukuro got too see as much of him as she could. Kurama got to see as much of him as he could (albeit off set), and Hiei got some extra money to buy himself a new belt. Hiei always did like adding belts to his collection. The very next day after shooting, he bought himself a pretty, silky red one. The kind that easily comes off…

                …_Really_ easily… But that's another Reikai Black File for another day. This is Hikari Nanase (surname last), writer, analysist, and archiver of the Reikai Confidential Files.


End file.
